15 reasons I’d hate to be Queen

Well done to her Maj, QE2, for becoming the longest reigning monarch ever. What an achievement! Do you reckon she put her dancing shoes and some 50s music on last night and had a rollocking good night at the palace? Busted out some moves in the kitchen and maybe drank some Kopparberg cider and a couple of flaming sambucas?

No, me either. And that’s just one of the reasons I’d hate to be Queen!

Queen clipart image

Here are 14 more:

1) You have to be really clean and tidy. Have you ever seen the Queen with dinner down her front after a posh international dinner? No. Have I ever been seen with dinner down my front? Regularly.

Food spillage2) How does she sneeze? Like seriously – when I sneeze it’s like there’s a small earthquake happening inside my nose. I have a dust allergy so I’m quite often really snotty (attractive!) and my sneezes can be massively wet and icky (I’m not flirting with you, don’t get the wrong idea). Has she had the lining of her nose removed? What if she has hayfever or gets pepper up her nose? How does she avoid sneezing?

3) She can’t really experiment with appearance, can she? I mean, I know she’s a bit older now so her Queen uniform probably suits her, but what about when she was younger? What if she saw Twiggy in the M&S adverts looking like a fox in her 60s and thought “one fancies trying a pair of skinny jeans”? Or wanted a tattoo or nose piercing?

4) She probably never gets to veg out on the sofa in a pair of baggy joggers eating cheese on toast. There’s probably only foie gras and truffles in the cupboards. And she couldn’t just nip down to Sainsbury’s to grab a loaf and some cheddar.

Cheese on toast

5) You wouldn’t be able to use social media. Queenie never gets the joy of sharing her thoughts in a blog or on Twitter (although there is a Queen Twitter account which is pretty funny, and worth a look here). She never gets to post drunken photos of her and Philip on Facebook, or check her Timehop to see what she was doing this time 5 years ago.

6) Her eldest son is waiting for her to die and she knows it. Has been for years. How can you give your son love and affection when you know he wants you out of the way?

7) She can’t pick her nose in public. Or scratch her bum. Or rearrange a wedgie which started while she was sitting in the car. Come on, we all do it when we think no-one’s looking. But in the Queen’s case, EVERYONE’s looking!

Keep calm and scratch your bum

8) No sandals. That’s actual Royal protocol – members of the Royal family don’t wear sandals. What a travesty. You wouldn’t get that new season excitement of painting your toenails red and busting out your new ASOS gladiators.

9) Lack of anonymity. Never being able to jump fully clothed into a swimming pool in Greece because you’re drunk (me). Never doing Halloween backing vocals for a friend’s band dressed as a witch (me again). Never getting your face painted, or going to a festival or the Christmas market.

10) Having to be nice to people you might not like. The bloke from the middle East who’s a bit of a dictator? Can’t call him a knob because we need their oil. The leader of China who smells funny? Can’t sit at the opposite end of the table to him when he’s your guest of honour.

11) Boring hair. Seriously, she’s had the same hair for 63 years. What if she fancied doing a Helen Mirren and going pink? Or getting some extensions? Imagine knowing that you couldn’t change your barnet.

Helen Mirren pink hair

12) Not being able to go on a beach holiday. Never lying in the sun with sweat trickling between your boobs, your hair sticking to your head and holding your tummy in so you don’t bulge over your bikini. Not worth thinking about.

13) Having to stay with the silly old duffer Prince Philip. She might have fallen out of love with him yonks ago. She might never have been in love with him. She might have her eye on one of her aides at the palace. But she’s not free to follow her heart.

14) NEVER WEARING LEOPARD PRINT!!! This could be the worst one of all!

Leopard print

In spite of all her wealth and travelling and power I think it would be a pretty rotten job. I won’t be applying.