Month: January 2020

Thinking about my Dad

It’s been 3 years, 4 months and 8 days since my Dad died. I don’t count the days and weeks, but a quick mental calculation when I started planning this post was easy enough.

3 years, 4 months and 8 days is a long time. Try imagining 3 years into the future. Its impossible. Or think about the past 3 years. I’ve started and finished jobs, moved house and been to new countries. All things I would have discussed at length with my Dad.

So why this post, after 3 years and 4 months and 8 days? It’s not like I don’t think about my Dad daily. But sometimes, like at the moment, I think about him intensely. Almost all consumingly.

It’s all circumstantial, I know

I’ve been job hunting and interviewing and I know I would have had pre-interview prep talks with him, and post interview dissections of how it all went. He’d have been super excited that I got my job offer and a pay rise. So there’s that.

I also saw a Facebook memory of when I got my Dad tattoo, while he was still alive, so he would get chance to see it (he was pretty underwhelmed, tbh, Dad wasn’t a tattoo lover!)

My Dad tattoo

There’s also the presentation I had to do in my current job about my life (sounds a bit weird eh?) All staff have to do a 5 minute session about their background, childhood, family, likes and dislikes. I guess it’s to help you know and understand your colleagues better. I thought I’d get away with it, being on a 3 month contract. But I thought wrong.

Anyway, I’ve known since before Christmas that I had to do this presentation, although I didn’t finalise it until the night before it was due (what can I say, I work better under pressure!) I’d been mentally planning it for a while. And I knew I had to include a section about my Dad, and his illness, the late diagnosis, and his scuppered plans for an assisted death if that’s the route he wanted to go down. It’s such a big part of my life and who I am that I couldn’t not acknowledge it. It was also an opportunity to bring the Dignity in Dying message to a captive audience.

I was surprised by how emotional I got telling my Dad’s story in front of what is, essentially, a group of strangers. My voice cracked, I had to fight back tears and I didn’t remember all the things I wanted to say, but I had people come up to me afterwards and say they agreed that a change in the law is needed, and other people who shared memories of their own parents when they were alive. It was good and bad, and happy and sad all at once.

It’s just a mindset

You may have read my posts on grief and talking about death, and this is neither. It’s just a mindset. A mentality. A thought process and awareness that I’m going through.

Not that I didn’t already know it, but it’s been a deep and intense reminder that my Dad’s death changed my life; not just through him not being here anymore, but through the impact he had and continues to have on me consciously and subconsciously.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Thanks, as always, for reading. x

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2020 plans

I don’t make resolutions. They’re daft. But I do like to have something to aim for at the start of the year (yes, I’m aware how contradictory that sounds!)

Here’s the 2020 edition!

2020 plans

Pay off my credit card

Hello, my name is Kelly, I’m 42 years old, and I always owe money on my credit card. It’s quite ridiculous. I have sufficient money in the bank to pay it off, but that’s not the point. I need to deprive myself of monthly earnings to clear what I owe. It’s not a lot, or anything. Just that I get close and then something happens (like Christmas) and I use my credit card for ease then don’t get round to paying it off and it mounts. 2020 is is the year I will become a financially responsible adult. Honest! (not in January though, my car insurance and MOT is due).

Get a job

2019 saw me “part company” with my previous employer, and it was a really shit time but taught me a lot of things. I’m currently 1/3 way through a 3 month fixed term contract, and it’s a kind of weird workplace, but I’m learning from it <<side note – everything in life should teach you things and be a learning experience>>. Anyways, I’ll be officially unemployed again at the end of February. So I need to find and secure the next chapter in my working life. (I was going to make a flippant comment about maybe winning the lottery before then, but I don’t play the lottery, so who’s the fool?) Needing a new job rather than wanting a new job changes your decision process, so I’m more likely to accept a job that wants me (!!) but I’ve been selective in my applications so everything I’m going for is something I’m interested in. I have a second interview and another couple of things lined up for (way too) early Jan, so we’ll see what happens!

The year of the Bongo

Did I mention we bought a campervan? Acquiring Bodhi (as our Mazda Bongo is named) as late as October meant we wouldn’t be doing any overnighters in 2019. But 2020 is going to see us heading off, setting up, and sleeping over! We need to start getting ready for when the good weather arrives; our inside is set (fairy lights and cushions) and we’ve had some days out (the kettle works perfectly). But it’s time to start thinking about toilet arrangements, awnings and where to go.

And that’s pretty much it!

Nothing more solid than that. Because you can’t predict this weird thing called life. You just have to buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Let me know your 2020 plans in the comments!

Thanks, as always, for reading. x

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