Feeling discombobulated

Discombobulated is such a great word. I’m a big fan of great words. Succulent is my absolute favourite word. It’s just so juicy and good, it actually makes my mouth water.


Anyway, discombobulation. That actually isn’t a word (according to my spellcheck). But it’s the state I find myself in at the moment. I’m all at sixes and sevens (stupid saying). Nothing feels quite right.

  • Work isn’t quite right. I feel like I’m failing. Or not excelling. And I don’t know what to do about it. I lack enthusiasm and feel a little bit overwhelmed. I can’t keep playing the new girl card because I’ve been here for 9 months now. But I feel like I’ve lost my creativity and vision. Gone backwards somehow. Not in terms of my job but in terms of my approach. It’s hard to explain.
  • My approach to life isn’t quite right. I have lots of good intentions around eating, cutting down on booze, living more virtuously. But none of them are coming to fruition. I’m struggling to break out of the eat, drink and be merry frame of mind.
  • I’m totally overwhelmed by the mammoth amount of stuff that I own. And how to whittle it down so I can live in the space I have without having a floor-drobe. I’ve had the intention of downsizing my personal belongings for so long now that it’s not even funny. Last year I thought I’d turned a corner with clearing out and Marie Kondo’s¬†approach of “if you don’t love it, get rid of it”. I even blogged about it in an epiphany of “this will change my life”.¬†But I still find myself with bags of stuff to ebay just in case it has some value. And things that I won’t part with just in case. It’s maddening!
  • Death. David Bowie’s death has affected me way more than I thought it would. I’m not a David Bowie fan, as such. I mean I like him and respect him and enjoy a lot of his music. But somehow him dying is really playing on my mind. Everything is changing. Constants that have been there since my youth are changing. Cancer is fucking scary. It killed David Bowie and it killed Lemmy. My Dad has inoperable cancer. It’s too much to comprehend.

I know that all these things are just life. And people deal with all sorts of headfucks every single day. Maybe it’s the combined January effect. Maybe it’s Christmas withdrawals. Maybe I’m just feeling a bit screwy.

But discombobulated sounds better. So I’m going with that.


New Year’s Resolutions

I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. I think January is a difficult enough time without depriving yourself of something you enjoy (which is generally what resolutions amount to).

New Year's Resolutions

I mean, I’ve just enjoyed 10 days off work eating and drinking and making merry and now it’s January, it’s cold and dark, all the fun bits have gone and there’s nothing to look forward to until Spring. Why would I make that worse by not having a biscuit or a glass of wine? (I’ve had neither today, yet).

I also don’t see the point in setting goals that you know you might fail at, which will then just make you feel crap for being rubbish. Again, why?

Cutting things out can’t lead to anything good. I did dry January once and the first time I had a drink at the end of it I was pissed and asleep on my friend’s sofa within about an hour.

And just the word – resolution – it sounds so harsh and severe!

Having said that, after all the indulgence of the festive period, I am usually pretty ready to start eating more healthily and generally not being as much of a glutton. And I certainly need to lose a few pounds which steadily crept on last year, because I threw caution to the wind from about October onwards!

I do have some “good intentions” which are more around personal experience and comfort than changing myself, but they’re evolutionary processes rather than new starts. Such as cutting down the amount of clothes I own (which I’ve been doing for about, oh I dunno, 5 years now). Wasting less time on mindless stuff on my phone when I could be reading a book (I had some corkers for Christmas). Things that are achievable and can be done bit by bit instead of being a major life change.

And if I do need to do something huge, or cut something out, or do something new, then I’ll do it quietly and in my own way and time, rather than making a big public declaration and then falling on my ass when I fail (notice I say when, not if!)

Today’s achievement – getting out of bed, getting to work on time and surviving the day. That’s harder than eating less than 1500 calories, not having a glass of wine or avoiding the biscuit tin for sure!

Have you made any NewYear’s resolutions?

Thanks, as always, for reading!