Why I disagree with gender neutral parenting

Gender

Gender neutral parenting was in the press recently. More specifically, the press reported that Harry and Meghan, aka the Duke and Duchess of Sussex are planning to raise their child gender neutral.

Of course this very probably isn’t what they’ve said at all. I’m sure they’ve said that they will raise their child without traditional gender constructs, which is what parents with any common sense do anyway. You know the thing – if they have a son and he wants to play with dolls that’s fine, and if their baby is a girl who wants to play with cars that’s also fine. That’s not gender neutral parenting at all. That’s just being a good parent. And a modern parent. Both of which Harry and Meghan are able to be, despite the fact that they’re royals.

He or she?

Gender neutral parenting is raising your child without acknowledging their gender. Not calling them he or she. Not referring to them as a boy or a girl. Allowing them to find their own way and decide on their gender as they grow up and experience life

Now I am neither a parent or ever have the intention of being one (regardless of the suggestions I mentioned in my last post!) so you may think my opinion is a moot one. That said, this is my blog and I pretty much have an opinion on everything, ergo I’ll proceed.

Bonkers

In a nutshell, I think that gender neutral parenting is absolutely bonkers. If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ll be aware that I have no issue with gender fluidity or changing gender. I very recently posted about an enlightening and heartwarming transgender documentary I’ve been watching. If you haven’t been following then let me make this statement – I very much believe that people can be and are born in the wrong body, and that they should be entitled to treatment to correct biology’s mistake. Science says it’s real, the experiences of actual humans say it’s real, and so, for me, it’s real.

But I’ll say it again, gender neutral parenting is, in my opinion, bonkers.

How are you supposed to know what you are, or more specifically what you aren’t, if you’re brought up without an identity? Surely transgender women know that they’re women, because they’ve been raised as a boy and know that doesn’t “fit”. And vice-versa, obviously. If you’re raised as “they” then what do you rebel against? You have nothing to identify with, and therefore nothing to compare yourself against, surely?

Special treatment

Imagine sending a child to nursery or childcare, and insisting they do not be referred to as he or she. Immediately you’re setting them apart as different; as deserving of special treatment. They get called a different pronoun to any of the other children, and the other children maybe want to know why? What toilet arrangements are made for them? Because, like it or not, male and female toilets are still a thing in life. Not everywhere, of course. But if a young child comes across male toilets and female toilets and no “they” toilet, what is that telling them? Isn’t that stripping them of an identity? Making them, from a young age, into something that doesn’t always exist?

The difference between adults and children

Gender neutral adults can handle situations like this – they’ve been around long enough to know that we live in a gendered society (even if they don’t agree with it). But young children don’t have that understanding. Why would you choose to set your child apart in such a way?

I’m no expert, obvs. Some would argue that starting with gender neutral parenting is the way to achieve a gender neutral society in the future. But, for now, I can’t help but think some parents are trying too hard to do the right thing, and in doing so they’re doing something very wrong.

Your child is born a girl or a boy. If at some point they tell you they’re the opposite of their assigned birth gender, listen to them. Support them. Be there for them. If they tell you they are neither male or female then the same applies.

That’s good parenting.

Gender issues

In the meantime, if your son wants to play with dolls and has a toy cooker, that doesn’t mean he has gender issues. If your daughter tells you she wants to be Superman instead of Superwoman, that doesn’t mean she’s transgender.

In trying to do the right thing, parents are going too far. They’re creating something that doesn’t need to exist at birth. Experience and research shows that children who are transgender will begin to self identify at a young age, regardless of what they have been labelled as in early months and years. Jazz Jennings is perhaps the most prevalent case of a boy knowing they’re a girl. Thankfully Jazz’s parents listened to her. Would gender neutral parenting from birth have helped? Who knows.

All I know is that if and when my nephew (due July this year) wants to try on my shoes, I’ll be right there suggesting the ones that look best with his outfit! Experiencing different things, with no restrictions because of what society might think is appropriate for your gender, is the best way to become a well rounded person.

I’d love to know your thoughts. Let me know in the comments!

Thanks, as always, for reading. x

The baby debate (with some really awesome memes!)

I’ve read a couple of articles recently that talk about the “phenomenon” of women not wanting babies.

Not, not wanting them at a particular point in life.Not wanting them at all.

The first article I read spoke to a woman who has been fighting for sterilisation rather than continuing to use contraception (which, let’s face it, can and does fail). She’s childless and knows she doesn’t want children. Ever. Yet she keeps getting pushback from health professionals who don’t want her to make that permanent decision.

She was nearly 30.

Now, I’m firmly in the no kids camp. The idea of being a mother does nothing for me. I have no aching womb, no maternal instincts, and no desire to push a human being out of my front bottom. So obviously I’m going to defend her position and stand up for her.

Children

But actually, regardless of your stance, isn’t it pretty disgusting that a grown woman with years of life experience is being told she doesn’t know her own mind? Complete strangers think they know her better than she knows herself?

Not broken

Why is a woman’s personal view on procreation such a big deal? Why is it everyone else’s business? And why, in this day and age, are we still expected to be baby makers, and frowned upon when we express a different view?

I appreciate that women who don’t want children are in the minority. Girls grow up with dolls and pushing prams and there is a certain unspoken expectation that they grow up and have their own kids. I was no exception. I grew up with that expectation of myself. Hell, at 20 I’d even picked out kids names with my then boyfriend (cringe). Because that’s what girls do. I thought I’d follow the path of meeting a boy, getting married, living in a semi detached house with a garden, having kids, and going for Sunday lunch at my parents’ house once a month.

My life now couldn’t be further away from that. The only conventional thing I’ve done from that list is get married. Outside of that I live in a flat, I spend all my money without fail every month, I drink too much, I have hangovers most weekends, I enjoy afternoon naps when I’m at home, I swear like a trooper and I fill all my space with clothes and shoes. I have no room in my life for a child – physically or figuratively.

No children

The great thing about this is that the husband feels the same. We were friends for two years before we got together, so we already knew each others opinion on children by the time anything happened between us. In fact he split up with a previous fiancĂ©e because she announced she’d be having a baby as soon as they were married, so he couldn’t really be clearer! We’re both only children, but neither of our families have expressed any interest in us giving them grandchildren (thank God!)

I can only imagine the pain and heartbreak it must cause if one person in a relationship wants something different to the other. It’s so important to set your stall. I don’t think there can be a middle ground with children.

And yes, I know that people change their minds. Maybe personal circumstances change, or they meet a new person with whom they want to share the joy of children. So in that respect I can see that the NHS is trying to avoid future heartbreak. But I’m sure, if you sit people down with an assessor or psychiatrist, you can tell the difference between those people who are on the fence and those who are a vehement no. In the meantime women are having to continue with contraception and, in some cases, dealing with unwanted pregnancies, simply because the powers that be think they know better.

And it’s not just professionals. Everyone seems to have a view. You get married and people want to know when you’ll be starting a family. Not just people who are close to you either. Work colleagues, shopkeepers, the window cleaner. Worse still, when you say never, the condescending “you’ll change your mind” statement. No I bloody won’t! Now bog off out of my business!

My decision

The temptation to tell people I’m infertile just to watch them squirm is immense. For the record, I’ve been told I’d make a brilliant parent (aside from the drinking, swearing and sleeping for as long as I like, when I like). I lived with my step brother and sister during my 20s, when they were 18 months and 3 years old. I looked after them, bathed them, cared for them, played with them and fed them. I adored them. But the difference was they weren’t mine. Ultimately they weren’t my responsibility. I was a part time participant when it suited me. The responsibility sat with my Mom and her husband.

In truth, I’d love to want children. I think it must be so rewarding. Seeing that tiny hand curl round yours, a smile that lights up when your child looks at you, or the cuddles and kisses just for being there. But I don’t want it. None of that is enough to make up for giving up the life that I’ve chosen for myself. That’s not being selfish. That’s being self aware.

Besides, you wouldn’t question a woman about the fact that she chooses to have children. You wouldn’t ask a pregnant woman if she was sure, or what would happen if she changed her mind. You wouldn’t try to cajole her by telling her she’d make a bad parent.

So why is it acceptable the opposite way around?

Don't have children

Maybe, just maybe, the NHS should start giving women the credit that they’re due, rather than treating our independent thoughts and beliefs as silly hormonal confusion and brushing them under the carpet.