The strangest things can make you feel sad

The other day I was hanging some wet washing up to dry and I had an enormous wave of grief and sadness wash over me, because of a pair of pyjamas. They’re leopard print and they have pockets and they were one of my Christmas gifts the last Christmas before my Dad died. I had a flash back to putting them on, as soon as I opened them, over my clothes. I put on pretty much all the other clothes Dad and his wife bought me as well, including a pair of leopard print tights on my head. My Dad was laughing, his eyes crinkling up until you couldn’t see them anymore, and telling me I was a nutter. We all knew that Christmas was going to be his last, even though we didn’t say it. He knew it too – he really went overboard and spoilt us all.

I read an article recently that really resonated with me. You can read it here. It talks about life carrying on, and changing in ways that mean a person you’ve lost wouldn’t recognise things anymore. When we moved house I got really upset that my Dad wouldn’t know where we lived anymore, if in some way he could ever come back (I’m actually welling up typing this, the thought still gets me). When I changed my car it occurred to me that he wouldn’t know it was me if he saw me driving down the street. I still have his phone number in my mobile, and cant being myself to delete it, just in case he managed to get in touch. All daft thoughts, I know. (Also, can you imagine how freaked out I’d be if my phone rang and “Dad” popped up?!)

I can’t imagine how that grief must be magnified if you lose a partner.

We went to Dubrovnik last week, me and the husband and Dad’s wife. And we talked about Dad, as we often do. We knew he’d be happy that the 3 of us are so close and that Julie (Dad’s wife) travels with us. But there’s that ever present reminder that the 3 of us are together because Dad isn’t here anymore.

Grief can hit you at any time, unexpectedly, it can take the shine off your day; zap your mood from hero to zero in an instant.

But it can also bring back happy memories, reminding you to think of the good times.

Almost 2 years on and I’m still learning that, actually, grief is a law unto itself. It doesn’t go away. It just changes over time.

Thanks, as always, for reading. x

Coming out of my cocoon

I’ve noticed that I tend to neglect myself in January and February. And this year it spilled right over into March too! Not in a “woe is me” kind of way. Just in a “can’t be arsed” kind of way. Know what I mean? Pyjamas become uniform (if I’m not wearing them by 6.30pm on a week night something’s horribly wrong), lack of socialising leads to longer than is acceptable eyebrows and greasier than acceptable roots, and I generally just want to hide away and wait for Spring when I start to choose to feel human and bothered again.

It doesn’t help that last year was so crazy busy with moving house, and our builders were on site right up until 3 days before Christmas, so now we’re finally settled in to our new lovely extended open plan downstairs we just don’t want to leave. In fact I’ve joked in recent months that I’ve developed weekend agoraphobia (not that agoraphobia is a joke, before anyone gets the wrong idea, but my reticence to leave the house from Friday night to Monday morning has become quite the source of amusement for my work colleagues).

And if I’m not leaving the house, I’m often not leaving my PJs!

With lighter nights, milder temperatures and spring flowers all making an appearance I start to feel like I should be making an effort too. Bits of colour appear in my wardrobe and layers become singular. Toenails will be painted in anticipation of sandals. I’ll start to think about fake tan (I’m so unattractively pasty right now). It somehow all feels more worth it when winter is over.

People joke about hibernating in winter, but I would genuinely like to! It just doesn’t suit me – physically or mentally. Spring and Summer is when I thrive and am at my best.

It’s just a shame that Spring feels so reticent to make itself known this year. We keep getting the occasional glimpse, but it just doesn’t last (although I did spend a lovely couple of hours in my garden potting flowers yesterday)

Anyone else feel this way? Or am I the only seasonally slovenly sloth around here!

Thanks, as always, for reading! x

Post Christmas round up

Did everyone have a fab Christmas? I hope so. Ours was full of food and family, as it should be (family first, obvs). The spare bedroom came together to look like a beautiful boudoir for my Mother in Law (maybe boudoir is the wrong word for a 76 year old woman?!) The flat looked like a beautiful festive grotto and lunch was, as always, a pleasure to cook (and eat!)

Christmas Day and night was a massively relaxed affair with drinks flowing, watching films and generally feeling very happy. Just like Christmas Day and night should be.

Boxing Day lunch was at my Mom’s, then an evening visit to my Dad’s where I proceeded to wear as many Christmas presents as I could as I opened them – what can I say, there was a lot of my beloved leopard print and I wanted to make the best of everything immediately (the Christmas pudding hat was a late borrowed addition, and yes those are leopard print tights on my head).

Christmas leopard print

We were ridiculously spoilt on all sides by our families, overwhelmingly so, and felt humbled and grateful and lots of other adjectives to describe ourselves in the face of so much love and happiness.

On our return home yesterday I retired into my new leopard print loungewear (which has pockets!), drank Bailey’s, ate Pringles, and watched Christmas films. Because Christmas doesn’t finish until my work alarm goes off on Monday 4th Jan.

Today I’m still in PJs, having a Mexican day – the perfect antithesis to traditional roast dinners (which, by the way, I would totally eat all over again now) – eating a tex mex buffet (onion rings, garlic mushrooms, spicy potato wedges and sweetcorn jalapeno fritters), with the promise of turkey fajitas later. I may may not won’t get out of my PJs at all.

This is one of our only days of doing nothing during the holiday.

And I’ll enjoy every minute.

Ooh, and panto tomorrow! (oh no it isn’t; oh yes it is!)

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals! Keep the change!

My birthday in pictures

It was my birthday on Sunday! Another year older, and all that jazz. I certainly wouldn’t say I’m growing up, or will ever be a grown up actually (the husband called me a woman on Sunday, and I was like no! I’m still a girl!) But the candles on the (hypothetical) birthday cake keep piling up! That’s life!

Anyway, after a less than auspicious Saturday, I was feeling very un-birthday like. But I woke up on Sunday to blue skies and sunshine, and the husband singing Happy Birthday to me before I even opened my eyes, so I was determined to make it a good day.

I got new pyjamas, which were quite apt considering how crappy I’d been feeling!

New pyjamas

Oodles of presents including a girly trip to London in the New Year, Marc Jacobs Dot, a beaded fringed bag, a journal set, some of my beloved Brian Cox, a light up make up mirror (so I can see my aging wrinkles more clearly, ha!), pantomime tickets with the amazing Julian Clary (oh no I didn’t…oh yes I did!)

Thriller

Marc Jacobs Dot

Jessica Simpson fringed bag

Carolina Herrera journal set

Brian Cox The Human Universe

Light up mirror

Aladdin pantomime

Plus loads more things too. I was supremely spoilt and very humbled.

I drank prosecco for breakfast and then we went into Birmingham to meet some friends for some festive fun at the German market.

German Christmas market

We saw Chris Moose and had a singalong.

German market Chris Moose

Drank mulled wine and beer.

Beer and mulled wine

Visited the Big Hoot Santa Owl in Great Western Arcade.

Santa Owl

And gave him a hug!

Me and santa owl

Went to The Oasis to get some ear piercings (part of my birthday pressie from the husband, more on that another time).

Me getting pierced at The Oasis

Drank more mulled wine.

Mulled wine santa mug

Had another singalong, with the live band.

German market singalong

Popped round to Centenary Square and drank hot toffee cider – OMG! This stuff is amazing; I’d like it on tap in my home.

Hot toffee mulled cider

Oohed at the big wheel.

Birmingham big wheel

Had a cheeky cocktail in The Victoria and oohed at their traditional Christmas decorations.

Traditional Christmas decorations

Then came home and got indian food and snuggled up on the sofa (wearing my new PJs, obvs) and felt very pleased with myself.

What have you all been up to?

Thanks, as always for reading! x